Five Questions to ask yourself when you search for a mate

       How do you get clear and focused on what you do want instead of what you don’t want? By deciding in as much detail as possible what you want and then using your senses to describe it. Think about what you want and ask yourself the following questions:

1. What will I see when I find the person right for me?

2. What will I hear when I find the right person?

3. What will I smell?

4. What feelings will I have?
   You might even ask yourself:

5. What will I taste when I find the right person?

        These questions are important because these steps will be programming your brain to help you select those stimuli that will lead you to your choices.
        So many feelings The world is full of choices in the people category (believe it or not) and our brains are designed to locate what we are looking for and then to make decisions. After making your decisions, let your brain go off on its own. It has a wonderfully complex arrangement of electro-chemical connections to sort through your sensory information and notice what you want.
For me, feelings are the most important perception. I value my feelings more than pictures or sounds. So in my case, I would make a long list of how I would feel when in a great relationship with an imaginary person. You need not list all the qualities from all five senses. Just make decisions about what you’d really like to have.
        Prioritize what is important to you and pick the top six from each sense. One useful way to jog your brain is to use memories to focus on exactly what you see, hear and feel when you know you are in love (see next page).
       As an example, you might ask about the woman who in the past has consistently chosen ‘bad-boy’ types? When she’s in love, her feelings include butterflies in the stomach, heart palpitations, inability to concentrate, excitement, obsession and fear. She realizes the fear is negative and wants to change this part. Her data could include the excitement, peace, joy, contentment, warmth and completeness – without the fear and obsession.
        Once you’ve written down your list, you can go about your business. Just stay alert for what your brain selects to notice about people you meet.
Some describe this as looking for lucky. They say luck passes our way all the time but we fail to recognize it and let it pass. There is more luck out there for all of us.

Outcomes, serendipity and timing The outcome setting in this true tale has such dramatic and speedy success that I doubt you’d believe it – except it’s true. Jennifer and Joseph are two people who found each other less than ten days after Joseph documented his relationship outcome.
       One night in the aftermath of a recent divorce, Joseph found himself living on a boat in a California harbor, bereft of wife, children (3), dog and hearth. He sat on his bunk keenly aware of his loneliness and losses. His depression filled the mahogany-lined cabin and spilled onto the deck. When he mentioned it to a friend the next day, the friend recommended that he write down exactly what he wanted in a relationship.
       Joseph’s list looked like this:

      When Joseph finished his list, he read it over and realized two things. The list did not describe his ex-wife and did exactly fit someone he’d known. He had not seen Jennifer since high school 14 years ago when they had left town to attend different colleges. He had heard she was married. She was more than easy to look at – she was beautiful.
       Joseph looked around the small cabin, calculated the funds he had left over each month after alimony and child support and added one more thing to his wish list – a nice house.
The next day he showed these lists to the friend who had suggested Joseph document his ideal relationship. He even added he’d known someone like that once – Jennifer. During the next week, his friend was so impressed with Joseph’s list that he mentioned it to a colleague at work. The colleague happened to be Jennifer’s brother.
       The next day, the friend called Joseph to tell him that Jennifer was divorced, had two kids and was living in the next town.
        I heard this story a few days after Joseph first called Jennifer. She was having a barbeque with lots of friends. As we milled around her garden, she pointed out four suitors in the crowd. Joseph took me aside, told me the tale, and I knew he’d win.
They were married two months later.

How do I know I’m in love?

Genie’s past experience

I see:

1. An extra sparkle on trees and flowers

2. The colors of a sunset as if they are feelings

3. Fantasies of future events – skiing trips, fireplace dinners, beach umbrellas, feather pillows

4. Extra clarity as if things are transparent

5. The intense beauty of my lover – blue, sparkling eyes, glowing skin, long fingers

6. The graceful, elegant way he catches a ball

I hear:

1. Music in the rich resonance of his voice

2. His laughter

3. His intelligent, insightful comments

4. His words, “I love you”

5. My words, “I love you’

6. Our song

I feel:

1. Bubbles of energy running through my torso

2. Full of emotion and longing when the phone rings and I know it’s him

3. The time we’re together is too short

4. Lonely when separated, as if something is missing

5. My breath speeds up when I catch sight of him

6. A lightness in my head, as if I’ve had wine when I haven’t

7. More open to life

Memory of love from your own experience

I see:

I hear:

I feel:

     Once you have compiled your outcome, which directs your brain in a certain selected direction, then you can sit back, relax and let the natural process unfold.   You do have to be alert to follow through when the "right for you " person shows up.  Enjoy your search.

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