David
Brady Interview
continued
to go to war in Iraq,
you remember the burst of justifications
they gave. They repeated them over
and over making the correlation, “This
is true. This is a causal statement.
This makes sense. It’s logical.”
And it became real for people.
It was interesting
to see the same logic being used to go to war
in Iraq as the perpetrator of violence uses
on a victim. I’m not saying Iraq
wasn’t doing a lot of things, but I’m
finding that the victim can become just as violent
as the perpetrator—in different ways,
given the chance.
That happens
when women are fighting back. They’ll
pick up something, a weapon, a knife,
or wait till the person’s asleep
and pour hot oil on him. They do
a number of things, usually after a long
string of abuse. They’ve been
terrorized, and they finally decide to
make a last-ditch stand, and that’s
what happens.
Genie’s work was really helpful,
because she didn’t just talk about
integrity, she lived it. She walked it and talked it, and I’ve always
been grateful for that. There have been
times when I would remember when something
happened, and she acted in a very fair
and just way, even though it wasn’t
to her advantage.
I’ve always admired her for
that, and for her presence.
I always felt a certain presence
about her, very strong spiritual strength,
very grounded. I
think that’s one of the reasons
she’s as effective as she is in
training.
Out of that I concluded that domestic
violence workers’ mental health
is the main thing they have to offer
a person who comes into a program—their
own mental health, their own integrity,
their own respect towards people, and
their own ability to what I call give
correction with affection.
Judgments, on the other hand, end
up creating a situation in which resentments
are put on forward, and all they do is
perpetuate the violence.
I immediately try to set up things
in the group so people always leave at
a higher state than they came in.
And it works, because if they want
to learn new things and they want to discuss
things from a more reasonable standpoint,
we have to raise the consciousness level
and make them aware.
You do that by avoiding heavy confrontation
or heavy binding or shaming or anything
of that sort. Nor
do you allow them to justify and defend
themselves. We
don’t do that.
I don’t even care—although
by law we have certain procedures—I
don’t care to know who they are
on a report, but I care about who they
are right now. I
think the primary thing is safety of the
victims and the children involved.
In that sense I am an advocate,
not for the guys, but for the safety and
well being of the families. I want a guy
to get his head on straight so that family,
or the next family he gets connected with
will be in a safer, better place.
Domestic
violence classes teach communication skills,
anger management, stress reduction, and
things of this sort.
I found the fastest way is to get
people in a high state and show them how
to access that high state. I call it their innate mental health or, in some people,
I call it the presence, or, if the person
has a spiritual background of some kind,
I’ll use their word for God.
As I see it when people do violent behavior,
they’re actually breaking the God
connection, and that’s what
causes the harm.
It’s a double whammy in that
they get hung up in the outside world,
thinking that’s causing the God
connection to break, and really their
thinking and their actions have pulled
them off course.
They’re in a low mood and
they do low-mood thinking, and the low-mood
thinking results in all kinds of knee-jerk
reactions. They
end up being driven.
Even though
this is conditioned behavior, they’re
still accountable for it. They’re
still responsible for it.
In the class I teach them what
the triggers are.
I teach them how to prevent anger
in the first place.
I teach them how to get resolution
and change things without anger or name-calling
or threats or guilt-tripping or anything
of that sort. An
important part of that is sensory mode
block. When
people are in bad shape, they’ll
go for their sensory preference.
Of course that’s Virginia
Satir’s work, and Genie really emphasized
it a lot in pacing and breathing and things
of that sort. I
found I automatically do that because
of the training, and I’m not even
aware that I’m doing it.
People have noticed my doing it.
I’ve learned it isn’t the
answers you give, it’s the
solutions. Give
the procedure for the solution.
If I want to teach addition, I
teach the principles of addition, and
once they understand the principles of
addition, they can solve any addition
problem they come across.
They don’t need an answer
book. I offer
a single solution—to get into a
high resource state.
When people operate from a higher
state, all the training, the education,
the communication skills, the legal requirements
fall into place and make more sense.
For example,
they’ll understand they were trying
to control the outside world so they would
feel better about themselves, but that’s
no solution.
You can’t control the outside
world to feel better.
Sooner or later you won’t
be able to control something, and if you
need it to happen, and it doesn’t,
you’re in a world of hurt.
People end up getting addicted
to substances or gambling or violence.
I think domestic violence is a form of
addictive behavior, and it cycles
around. It
actually gets the victim hooked.
Sometimes they are just waiting
for the shoe to drop for the relief, to
get it over. It
feels so much better than waiting, so
when it happens many people report, “Well,
I’m glad that’s over.”
Then they set up for the next cycle,
and the next.
I teach ways to identify that by
using the standard type of things they
do in domestic violence, and then I teach
them the principles behind it.
For example, a time out.
Take a time out and count to ten.
The principle behind that is when
you change your thinking, your mood changes.
Then understanding that feelings,
for example, one discovery I’ve
had is that feelings are for feeling. By that I mean if you have an uncomfortable feeling of
any kind, whether it’s guilt, shame,
or whatever, that’s nature’s
way. That’s
the innate design in the human system
to let you know your thinking is faulty,
and if you didn’t have those feelings,
you’d never know your thinking is
faulty.
If you’re
thinking and you have that emotional negativity,
the decisions rarely work out.
They’re usually short-range.
They’re knee-jerk.
You may get relief, but you don’t
get that good feeling.
You get relief from a bad feeling,
and at best you get a feeling of anger
where you feel like you’re in control
temporarily, and you end up paying costs
down the road. People
get scared of you.
They leave.
I find
that a lot of the guys who use anger end
up being good candidates for depression.
Their main means of coping drives
people away, so they’re left alone
without anybody to attach to.
They’re pretty lonely guys.
And gals.
It happens to females, too.
At a typical meeting I’ll check
people’s moods.
I have a series of pictures of
faces with different emotions on them,
and I have them choose the face that best
shows the state they’re in right
now. Then
I’ll ask them, “Would you
like to feel better? Would you like me to show you a trick? Do you want see something?”
Then I’ll use some energy psychology
methods I’ve learned. such
as Gary Craig’s Emotional Freedom
Technique, which is based on the Callahan
Technique. The
idea is that we have certain meridians,
which are related to certain organs, and
these organs are related to certain emotional
states. The
person holds that emotion or that troublesome
behavior or the troublesome event, and
you tap related places on the body until
you get the level of discomfort down from,
say 8 or 9, to zero.
Then you move on to the next item
and the next item.
I can take people in a troubled state,
where they might be mad all day, and knock
them down to zero, usually within three
minutes. Then
I teach them how to do it, so they always
have built-in techniques they can use. There are places they can tap where nobody will notice.
They can hold their bodies in a
way that frees up the energy. For
example, there are ways you can tap on
your chest above the thymus.
You can tap hard there and clear
the thyroid and get all that energy out.
That’s why apes beat their chests.
They’re actually clearing
their thymus glands.
They’re doing it intuitively,
because they’re under stress and
they’re feeling insecure.
I’m
beginning to understand that when we get
in a certain state, everything that’s
ever been known is available to us.
I’m positive of that, mainly
because I get into that state when I’m
working with people. I’ll do or say some of the darndest things, and
they work. My
observation is that most techniques used
in therapy and related situations, whether
by Carl Rogers, Freud, or whoever, the
people using them were in a very high
state of consciousness.
They did some things at that particular
time, and they made a technique out of
it. They froze
it in time, and they didn’t realize
it was state-dependent and the technique
itself isn’t important. The state they engendered and built on was what was the
important factor.
Thanks
to Genie I became aware
of that phenomenon and
began investigating it.
I discovered Callahan’s work
in 1984, and I was aware of different
things NLP people were doing for phobias
and things. I
used Callahan’s work, and in one
week I cured 19 people of driving phobias.
And they’re all driving now.
That was
really strange. I did it, then I
forgot I knew how to do it until I went
down to the Bay Area and started working
with domestic violence people in the Bay
Area at West Oakland Mental Health and
Before and After in Pacifica near San
Francisco.
I designed a curriculum, got it
passed by the different authorities, which
was really hard, because they have a political
agenda, so I used metaphors—another
thing Genie taught me.
I used metaphors that made bridges
from one point to the other, moved in
units of three, and just moved things
across the board.
Everybody thought it was great.
They understood it. Then when they observed me in action, they were shocked
at the level of conversation going on.
I had a cross section of people
in San Francisco—15 guys.
And when the Parole and Probation
people came, they couldn’t believe
the guys were functioning at that level.
Some of the guys were their clients,
and they couldn’t believe that was
the same guy who was coming in and reporting.
The energy in the session itself
and the sense they were making, and the
feelings they were able to express for
one another, and the good advice they
were giving one another, and the asking
permission. “I’ve
noticed something I’ve done seems
to work. Do
you want to hear what I do?”
That kind of thing.
That led
me to understand that men are really in
need of some kind of support groups other
than going to the sports bar or whatever.
Although they were resistant at
first, after five or six meetings the
guys start looking forward to coming,
because I don’t rag on them.
I’ve always had a rule that
during the period they’re in the
training they don’t drink or use
drugs at all. If
they do, I’ll tell them they’ve
got to go.
People
say, “How do you tell?”
I use muscle testing.
[John] Grinder taught me how to
use that signal system.
I do it in a different way, but
it’s still installed after all those
years. I have
this tool bag of who and what I am and
what I draw on.
Looking
back, I realize all that training and
experience was for a purpose, and I think
I’ve come up with a different way
of dealing with things.
I’m hoping to write a program
for the small Nevada town I’m in,
and Knight
County, which is an old mining, ranching,
open range area.
We’re trying to get a program
started. I’ve
been doing different things around here,
and the stuff I’m doing is really
working well. It’s
starting to get a good reputation, and
that’s nice.
Four years
ago my mom bought property in Parump,
and I came with her.
I started working with a group
called No to Abuse and with EOB Treatment
Center in Las Vegas.
I run groups using a health promotion,
positive approach.
More and more I’m leaning
toward the spiritual end of things, because,
as I said, when people really messed up,
they broke the spiritual connection, because
we really aren’t designed to hurt
other human beings. We have to be taught that, very carefully taught.
And there are very bad effects
when people hurt other people.
I’ve used this approach with
veterans who have been in Cambodia and
Viet Nam and it’s worked.
The damage done when people kill people
is really amazing.
It’s very hard on them, because
they’ll dissociate and they’ll
re-traumatize themselves with flashbacks
and stuff.
I heard
what Gary Craig was doing with Emotion
Freedom Technique, and I saw some work
he did in Palo Alto, which substantiated
what I’d been doing, and he streamlines
things and makes them simple and powerful.
He makes it very easy to understand, and
he’s a former Stanford Engineer.
No qualifications whatsoever in
psychology. He’s
just a genius. He took the work of Callahan to another dimension, and
out of that I’ve been able to understand
the mechanism of the human being and when
stuff gets routed through that mechanism,
it creates health.
I’ve learned how to unlock
the mechanism, and I’ve learned
that probably 99.9 percent of all illness
is caused by thoughts which are lies.
They aren’t based on reality.
Our natural state is to be healthy,
so disease is a lack of health.
It’s not an entity in itself.
Also, evil is a lack of love; it’s
not an entity in itself.
It’s not that there aren’t
evil people. There
are people who do very unloving things.
That makes it a little bit different.
You don’t have to fight the
basic personality.
You just have to help people throw
light on what’s going on.
Then they either shriek and run
off into the darkness, or they come to
the light.
Most people want to come to the light.
They want to come back to the state
where they remember that good feeling.
Taking them there is a matter of
anchoring techniques.
I use my voice and I use their
visualizations. For
example, I’ll have them move that
thought down into their heart area while
they think of somebody they love, then
I have them move it back up into their
head. Then I ask how that feels. We
do it several times.
Once they get the key word, they
can usually call up the state at any time.
That puts them into a different
spot. They
can change a picture that’s faulty,
or a sound bite, or feeling in the body—it
goes back to VAK.
That didn’t
surprise me. I
expected it, and it made sense, because
I realized the whole body remembers things.
That gave me clues.
I’ve come to understand that
the heart has a brain of its own, and
it’s very powerful.
When you combine the intellect
with the heart, and you can get a high
state going, you make very good, very
creative decisions.
Or, if it’s an athletic performance,
you get a very good performance.
I don’t work on relationships
with a guy. I
work on his learning to get into that
high state when they are in the relationship
or when they’re faced with something,
so they can get into and maintain that
state rather than getting upset—trying
to cut people off or trying to control
them in some way, yelling or arguing or
things of that sort.
One of the most powerful things
I’ve learned, and again Genie...is
this a commercial for Genie, or what? I guess it is. Right now I’m
feeling a whole lot of gratitude for what
she taught me and what she exposed me
to. And I
met some of the finest people in the world
through her, and I really appreciate it,
because that’s the kind of people
she attracts, so maybe there’s an
outside chance I fit in that category,
too. Kind of like grace by association.
But I’ve come to understand that
civilization made a mistake by
getting caught up in the outside world.
It seems people only talk about
materialism. That’s
not the point. The point is, when we use materialism to try to get a
good feeling, and we become dependent
on that. The outside world then
becomes an idol for something which actually
exists within us. Our integrity, our self-esteem, all of those are inside
things. They
doesn’t need to be instated or put
in. They need
to be accessed. They
need to be uncovered.
So I look at it as a drawing-out
process.
I use that
in the work, and I use a concept of states
that are above the line—creative
states, resourceful states—and below
the line, which are the coping or lower
consciousness states. I’ve used these with the guys and helped them understand
what it is to be above the line.
If they report something, I’ll
say, “Is that above the line or
below the line?”
They take a look, and they’ll
say, “Oh, I see what you mean.”
And it’s been very interesting.
A group
called Analytic Trilogy helped me a lot.
Its founder has the largest private
clinic in South America.
His name is Norberto Keppe, and
he wrote a powerful little book called
The Origin of Illness, He points
out that the biggest problem we have isn’t
doing good, but not being able to see
all the damage we do to ourselves and
others—by our envy, by our inability
to be conscious of our mistakes. For example, when we judge other people, we’re generally
not talking about them, we’re talking
about ourselves.
When people try to control the outside
world, they want to be like God,
so the biggest problem we have is megalomania.
We want to be God. We want to make God in our image, rather than the other
way.
When parents
let kids grow up that way, those kids
want to be very controlling and very powerful. They are very sick, and that’s one of the scary
things. Again
I think of Genie’s emphasis on integrity.
Many powerful people are sick individuals
in terms of their ethics, their values,
and things of that sort.
They inverted it so what’s
good is bad, and what’s bad is good.
And usually the power isn’t through
influencing, it’s through coercion. |
VAK
FOR IRAQ?
continued
Who am I to think I can find
a solution when all those experts are failing?
I’m not an expert on
governance, nor Arabs, nor Muslims, nor
occupational politics, but I am an expert
on human behavior, and the American human
behaviors being displayed in Iraq are not
working.
So maybe a new paradigm is needed.
Paradigms I do know about. Albert
Einstein was talking about paradigms
when he said, “The world that we have
made as a result of the level of thinking
we have done thus far creates problems that
we cannot solve at the same level we created
them.” Our paradigms determine
our solutions to problems that were created
inside our paradigm. A paradigm
is a set of beliefs which determine our
reality and are set in concrete.
The following beliefs may be blocking us
from finding a solution to Iraq.
Paradigm belief 1.
The women of Iraq are powerless.
Paradigm
belief 2.
Shooting is the preferred response for our outcomes. Works better than communicating or trying to discover
what “they” want from us.
Paradigm belief 3.
You can’t get rapport with
people who hate you.
Paradigm belief 4.
They don’t respect us even
though we rescued them
Paradigm belief 5.
The only way to control the Arabs
(Muslims, Hindus, Pakistanis, Christians,
etc.) is through fear.
There are others,
but you get the idea.
Now let’s try a new paradigm
and search for a solution or several
solutions for the
Iraq mess?????????
This morning,
after reading the New York Times, these
solutions appeared full blown in my
mind’s eye, ready to be explored
as viable pieces of a new solution for
Iraq. You won’t see much use in
them if you are still caught in the
old paradigm so stop reading here.
Step 1. Search for Iraq
women who would be excited about being
catalysts for improving the quality
of life in Iraq.
Begin to teach them the skills
they need for this endeavor.
In the beginning, the numbers
may be small and limited by those who
can obtain their husband’s agreement. Do not underestimate the strategies women have already
learned from their mothers about how
to do this.
Step
2. Teach these enterprising
women the skills they need to be change
agents. First,
in their own homes, then in their neighborhoods,
then in their towns, then in their nation. My corporation has been teaching these skills in corporate
American for 20 years, and there are
other people who would be tickled to
transfer this information to these women.
This would cost in a year what
the army costs in a day.
Step 3. The first skill
they need is the ability to establish
rapport with others, in any milieu.
Step
4. The second skills they
need is the ability to set outcomes
in sensory based terms.
What are the see, hear, feel
components of their outcomes.
What do they wish to accomplish
this week? This
month? This
year? In
five years?
Step
5. The skills needed to
conduct neighborhood meetings of 2 to
8 people so that group outcomes can
be agreed upon.
I’m aware that some Arab
women will not leave their homes unless
accompanied by a male.
So find males willing to walk
these women to their neighborhood meetings. The males might even choose to stay for the meeting.
Step
6. The skills of creating the
explicit steps needed to implement the
group outcomes as well as the personal
outcomes.
Step
7. The support needed to encourage these women to follow
through with active participation on
their plans for a better life. The amount of money needed for this would be miniscule.
Step
8. A coordinator or agency to gather, organize, disseminate,
and implement these suggestions, pleas,
and requests. This
kind of group
information and communication at the grass
roots level among the “conquered”
could be utilized to create more good
will than any of our politicians can imagine.
This good will is the best bullet
for Al Qaeda and all the terrorists alive.
Let me repeat
this. I am
not an expert on war or occupation, but
I am an expert on human behavior.
Scratch off the color of our skin,
our life experiences, our religious beliefs
(or not) and eventually, you will reach
the center of a quivering humanness, shared
by all of us two legged creatures.
Food, shelter, and sex are our
first needs, then we search for identity,
connectedness, and potency.
The need to hate is a low priority
when we are being heard by our adversaries.
Listening is so much cheaper than
armies.<
INSTRUCTOR'S MANUAL FOR "3-MINUTE STEPS TO INFLUENCING
WITH INTEGRITY®" CD COURSE
Speed Listening, continued
what’s
important and deletes the rest. Now,
how do you “speed listen? You
select the words that count, the words that
give you a gist of what the other person
is communicating. How? How do you select these important words?
That’s the beauty of speed listening.
The other person will signal you
the words to hear.
How do they signal?
-
By changing tone—emphasizing
the few words that matter, or
-
by pausing in front of the words
that count, or
-
by changing volume, up or down,
on the key words, or
-
by changing facial expression
as they hit these major words, or
-
by a gesture that reinforces
the word, or
-
by all five of the above.
Finding these key words on the speaker’s
part will make it easy for you to speed
listen. These words carry the communication. The other words and phrases are fluff. Fluff is the packaging, the stuffing around the central
message. You
may delete all the fluff and still be
a good listener.
Knowing what’s fluff and what is the message
can save you lots of listening time. You
can use this time to decide how you will
respond or to plan next week’s schedule
or imagine being someplace else.
But first, before you begin to
use this spare listening time, you must
teach your unconscious to hear those key
words. Once
your unconscious is trained, you are an
expert speed listener.
What if you miss a key word now and then?
Most people repeat the really important
stuff several times, so you’ll probably
have a second chance, maybe even a third.
Also,
if you notice the other is becoming irritated,
you can guess you’ve missed a key
word and cover your tracks by saying,
“Something you said earlier was
so interesting, it took me away for a
moment. Would
you tell me the last point you made again.
I do want to get this straight,”
or something to that effect.
Do not say, “You talk mostly
fluff. I’m
bored and don’t want to listen to
you another minute.”
At least don’t say this unless
you are leaving town—for good.
How do you train your unconscious to hear the
key words? Here’s
one way.
For
a day, keep a pad and pencil or Palm Pilot
nearby. Every
few minutes while talking to someone,
make a note of all the key words of the
other.
Not
your key words.
You know those.
Only one set. There is probably
a key word every three sentences, though
people do vary greatly.
It’s easier to do this than
you think.
After
you’ve collected about 20 key words,
begin to jot down the triggers that alerted
you to these words.
For instance, 1. tone, 2. pause,
3. volume(loud, soft), 4. expression,
5. gesture.
If
you will try this notation for a day,
you will probably have it.
And think of the listening time
you will free up.
If the other person asks you a question and
the answer is a key word you missed, all
you have to say is, “Tell me again,
I missed that point.”
Being sincerely interested in the
other’s communication is so seldom
encountered that most people will forgive
you any former distraction for your attention
here and now.
The
most amazing occurrence you will discover,
after learning speed listening, is that
most people repeat every important idea,
fact, discovery, over and over.
If you speed listen, you get it the first time.
People are so accustomed to not
being heard that they say everything important
at least three times.
This is very boring for a speed
listener. You
may need to warn those close to you about
this. Otherwise,
irritation will raise its dragon head.
The most important ingredient is rapport.
If you do not have rapport with
the other, they won’t listen to
you and no agreement will be reached.
One of the best ways to gain rapport
is to join the other person in their favorite
sense—see, hear, feel, smell, taste.
Most of us have a favorite sense,
and the data from this sense constitutes
our world—our reality. Seeing people—visuals—live in a world dominated
by pictures. Hearing
people live in a world composed of sounds,
and feeling people depend on how they
feel about things to move ahead or retreat.
Feeling people’s thoughts
are dependent on their moods and emotions
much more than pictures or sounds.
Our perceptual preference creates
our reality.
If you want rapport with your communication
partner, you may join him/her by using
words that are linked to his/her favorite
sense. “Get
the picture?” for visuals.
“Sounds good to me”
for auditories. “How
does that feel?” for kinesthetic
or feeling people.
Here
are other suggestions.
When your communication partner
uses one of these words or phrases, you
can notice this and match the same sense
in your next statement.
Rapport will show up right away,
usually, because you are listening and
joining. They
“hear” the words from their
favorite perceptual system.
You have found them in their reality
and are speaking their language.
Speed listening and easy rapport skills can
make your relationships easier and more
satisfying. Have
fun exploring these new strategies for
relationships: Speed listening followed
by quick rapport.
Japanese and Chinese editions
continued
and because the publisher did
not ask for a contract, my excitement
was less, but fantasies of “dovetailing”
in Chinese did arise spontaneously.
Publishers usually don’t request
a reading copy unless they are serious.
They have to pay someone to read and
evaluate the project.
The reason the word,
“dovetailing,” keeps popping
up as a key roadblock is because the first
two French translations were both rejected
by the publisher, and the German translation
was so off the mark that a friend who
speaks German read the translation and
insisted that I not approve it.
The translated words managed to
somehow recommend manipulation instead
of influencing as a strategy. She eventually hired her attorney to help her translate
the book into German.
That’s a real friend, right?
You
can read Influencing With Integrity
in Polish, Spanish, German, French and
believe it or not, there is a UK edition
for those who do not speak American,
but do speak ENGLISH.
The words look the same to me.
There are also at least two Russian unauthorized
translations. I met with a publisher when I was in Russia about their
publishing it in Russian, but they did
not have any money to buy the rights.
I considered a caviar exchange,
but it seemed difficult to compute how
many little glass jars would be fair.
I like caviar, but the thought of a refrigerator
full of it sort of turned me off.
Also, that manipulation twist that
seemed to be contagious in translation
gave me pause. I still don’t know whether dovetailing works as
a legitimate expression in Russian.
Both
the Spanish and the Polish translations
were partly executed and totally supervised
by an IDEA Certified Trainer, so they
are excellent. The workbook for Day 1 of the seminar has been translated
into Mandarin by a Certified Trainer as
well. I wonder if she’ll read the Chinese edition, if
it happens, and tell me what the symbols
for “dovetailing” mean.
Stay tuned.
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